An Open Letter From Me To You
I’ve been wanting to share a reflection of 2015 and today is the day…for better or for worse, because in all honesty a lot of shame, pain, and disappointment held me back from writing this sooner. 2015 was a multi-faceted effect of ups and downs, highs and lows, reflections of light and dark.
It started out with many near-sleepless nights finalizing the Standing Light Vision video to be shown at my first ever public presentation for my (then) newly launched company at the Lifestyle Design Convention in Zurich, Switzerland. A feat my wildest dreams wouldn't have imagined, as I truly believed my home country of Switzerland, would be the last 'market' I reach with my company’s vision. But as fate would have it, Switzerland ended up being the first place I reached, with magical synchronicities and heart-warming feedback. Not only being the only female speaker amongst 7 far more successfully established men, but speaking about light and synchronicity for 1.30hrs, and leading a room of 100+ people through a guided light mediation with feedback that filled me with more joy I think I’ve ever felt, as I came to realize the effect my light, and anyone of our lights can have if we simply choose to ignite and share it.
Yet just as fast as 2015 started on a high note, it came crashing down.
After living back home in Switzerland for 5 months I moved back to New York in February to start a new life in a new apartment, and in a city I was still very much getting to know. I had decided to practice a year of abstinence halfway through the year before (in 2014). Abstinence from sex and alcohol. I felt my soul call out for it, so I practiced it as best as I could with only a couple slip ups, which simply brought me back to the understanding that ‘it’s ok, I am human.’
Being back in New York, with barely any friends who followed a more 'conscious' lifestyle became very isolating and I totally relapsed, drowning my consciousness with the regular 'going out' things all of February (alcohol, non-conscious activities and conversations, etc). Of course that was my excuse, because in reality, I could have found other ways.... But I could feel that this kind of excess of unconscious living was about to burst my cocoon open into new territories. And that's exactly what happened.
I flew back home to Switzerland to find grounding amongst other things and spent the rest of 2015 traveling more than I ever have. The rest of 2015 would be a dance between conscious and unconscious living while surrendering into absolute flow taking everything I possibly could – IN.
I was riding high on being a first time entrepreneur and talking myself into trips which made absolutely no sense financially, but so much sense in terms of ‘self-growth.’ But I look back and wonder if I was running away, and I also see the negative impact it had on my body. For over a year now, I’ve been suffering from severe eczema. The only time it ever left my body was while I was on the beach in Bali. So the only thing that cured it was direct and long exposure to natural sun-LIGHT…funny coincidence. Since then it’s come back.
My eczema was one of the biggest reasons why I didn’t launch my YouTube channel a year ago, because the amount of makeup it takes to cover this huge sore up taking over the whole front of my neck, is really time consuming and also painful.
But nothing happens by mistake. In all reality, I also wasn’t ready. I wasn’t where I am now, a year later, and a year wiser and aligned towards my deepest mission – of sharing my light to help enlighten the world.
I also had a major ‘aha’ moment at Afest this past October, when I realized money terrifies me. It all came crashing down like the biggest tidal wave as I looked back into my history of growing up and realizing why I chose to ignore money and live in the flow, closing myself off to receiving money, yet constantly pouring it out….out of fear.
2015 was also a year of heaviness and deaths. My grandmother passed away, I came face to face with letting go of a life that came through me, and we had to put down both of our beloved dogs within 5 months from each other. I also was, and am still dealing with a form of death that I came to realize through a Past Life Regression, and have been working on healing different aspects including my emotional eating disorder, ever since the initial regression.
I know eczema is a direct reflection of the inner world. It’s the way my body copes and releases all the built-up emotions.
While many expressed the fact that 2015 was the worst year of their life, and although I had some pretty big heavy hits, I went into 2016, thinking of all the positive aspects of it and being deeply thankful for all the ‘negative’ aspects, because those are our greatest learning lessons.
I’ve come to deeply realize that 2015 was my ‘coming out’ year. Bursting from yet another cocoon, shedding yet another layer, into unknown territories without much grounding, and learning that the only thing that is real and true is love and light. Not just understanding and saying it, but actually continuing to re-learn and re-experience it for myself many times over. No matter the pain, it was worth it – every bit.
Standing Light is my everything, it was gifted to me by the universe during one of the very first meditations I ever did over two years ago. It took me just under a year to actually launch and form the LLC because in the meantime I moved from LA to NYC and was working a full time job as a Global Events Manager.
Once I took the leap of faith and left my job to launch Standing Light, it took me another year and a half…up until now, to actually understand what it takes to be an entrepreneur; A soul who is open, willing, and grounded enough to receive as much as she gives, and constantly making sure she checks in with herself and her company making sure that they are in alignment and nourished in all senses, so that herself and her greatest expression can breathe freely and authentically.
So 2016, my mission in the year that you and I co-create together - yet again, is to stay put in the light, unwavering between conscious and unconscious existence, yet consciously choosing to connect, share and create, in the intention of light, high-consciousness, and high-vibrations. Continuing to push my boundaries and fears so that I shed that many more layers of unconsciousness.
While writing this reflection, I’ve come to realize how my favorite quote, the quote that basically helped me conceive Standing Light, rings more truth than ever. So I will close out my 2015 reflection with this quote and share with you the fact that my mission in 2016, is to ground myself mind/body/soul, face the music of the amount of work and willingness to receive goes into being an entrepreneur, and get a handle on my health, once and for all because….
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” – Marianne Williamson
Thank you to all of you who were a part of ours and my 2015, I love you and I thank you for your support, and for the lessons you helped me learn.
I love you, thank you, more please.